The Cool Animals: Book I: Introducing
the Cool Animals and some other people and some rules and telling the first
story
Introduction
‘Sup.
We are the
authors of this book. One of us is an old man who types all day; the other one
is a cool Nine-year-old child. (was 8 when wrote this!)
We are
writing these books for fun, to make you laugh and so you can read a book
without falling asleep. Also, we want money. This is a NOT an educational book.
That means no water colours and only funny lessons.
These books
are about the Cool Animals and some other peeps. We will tell you about them
now.
The Cool Animals
The
Relaxed Elephant
[Insert
portrait of Relaxed Elephant wearing a white wig and tuxedo]
Type of
creature: Elephant, what do you think?
Powers: Being relaxed; can stomp on people who annoy
him if they don’t stop after he’s asked them three times (in a nice way)
Favourite
things: beer, TV, flying his plane, playing ‘Aeroplane of Love’ (We will tell
you what that is later)
Best friends:
The Proud but Nice Dog and Mr D. Worm
The Proud
but Nice Dog
[Insert
picture of the PbND chasing a trophy]
Type of
creature: Overgrown sausage dog
Powers:
Winning competitions and helping people
Best
friends: Himself and the Relaxed Elephant. (Mostly himself, by the way)
The
Pretty Peacock
[Insert
picture of the PP at the Miss Bird competition]
Type of
creature: Peacock. She used to be a boy. We will tell all about that when we
are ready.
Powers: Can
distract any boy with just a wink of her eye
Best friend:
Her makeup. She is a vain kind of bird.
The
Greedy but Grateful Grasshopper
[Insert
picture of GGG eating a cake. He looks shocked and has crumbs all over his
mouth]
Type of
creature: A greedy and grateful grasshopper. Also a nightclub singer called
Linda. We also tell you about that later.
The Loud
Snail
[Insert
picture of LS winning a spelling bee at junior school]
Powers:
Being very loud. Afraid of French restaurants. Good speller.
Best friend:
His cousin, the Quiet Snail.
Wonder
Worm aka Mr D Worm
[Insert picture
of Wonder Worm with his cape]
Type of
creature: This is complicated. He’s a worm but he’s also a very confused
superhero and a novelist who writes serious books.
Powers: When
he is Mr D Worm, writing serious helpful books with no pictures and no jokes.
When he is Wonder Worm, trying to save people and things that don’t need
saving.
Useful fact:
Will change from Wonder Worm into Mr D Worm if you put him in a beer bottle for
five days.
Best
friends: His wife, Wanda Worm, and his nephew, Boy Worm.
Boy Worm
[Insert picture of Boy Worm wearing his propeller cap]
Type of
creature: Also a worm
Powers:
Saving his uncle and calling the Relaxed Elephant to help
Wanda
Worm
[Insert
picture of Wanda Worm getting married to Mr D Worm]
Type of
creature: Also a worm. We like worms. Don’t judge us.
Powers:
Normal worm lady, except when she is confused, when she’s a three year old
who’s teething. Good at chewing.
Other creatures
Mr Bitey
Yummyblood
[Insert
picture of Mr BY driving the Cool Animals’ Cool Bus. He is wearing his red
vampire cape and his cap that says ‘Best Driver’]
Type of
creature: Vampire, but not scary
Powers:
Flying, driving well. Very strong and very fast. Good singer. Enjoys blood.
Favourite
movie: Twilight
Hooloo
the Owl
[Insert
soppy watercolour of wise-looking owl]
Type of
creature: Educational animal
Powers:
Annoying everyone with his love of nature and his wisdom. Actually an idiot.
The
Roly-Poly Bird
[Insert soppy watercolour of dumb
parrot]
Type of
creature: Educational animal, a bit like a parrot.
Powers: Even
dumber than Hooloo the Owl. Copies Hooloo a lot.
Rules
·
Sometimes
we talk about beer. This is Cool Animal beer. Not real beer. Step away from the
fridge. Leave your father’s beer alone.
·
We
are not educational authors. Really. For example, we are not teaching you
anything about ‘Aeroplane of Love.’ Don’t even think of trying that at home.
Dumbo. (sorry!)
·
Don’t
copy our animals. You can draw them and show them to your friends, though.
·
If
you like you can buy two of our books. Or more. Really, as many as you want.
The First Story: The Relaxed Elephant
and the ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs
One cool,
fresh morning, just about 7.30 am, the Relaxed Elephant got out of bed and went
to the bathroom. He was feeling good. He thought it was going to a be good day.
He was planning to relax by the pool and catch rays. As he brushed his tusks
and his teeth, he heard some squeaking and he knew exactly who it was: the
‘Evil’ Hedgehogs.
They were
playing in his bath. One of them, Rob, was underwater. The second brother, Bob,
was playing with the taps, switching
them on and off, on and off. The oldest brother, Gregory, was biting the soap
with his sharp yellow teeth, making the Relaxed Elephant’s soap – which was the
expensive Too Tough To Fight brand – dirty.
The Relaxed
Elephant saw them. He said, ‘What are you doing in my bath?’
They said –
all together – ‘We are exploring the great big sea of idiots. And that means
you, pal.’
Then the
Relaxed Elephant grabbed them by their necks and said, ‘GET OUT!’
They said,
‘Oh, fine…’ And away they went.
At 12
o’clock, the Relaxed Elephant was lying down near the pool. The ‘Evil’
Hedgehogs were underwater. When the Relaxed Elephant went in the pool, Rob swam
over and stuck his sharp quills into the Relaxed Elephant’s bum. The Relaxed
Elephant didn’t feel a thing and he grinned and he went under water to see the
hedgehogs. He grabbed them by their quills and he threw them out of the garden.
At
suppertime, the Relaxed Elephant sat down, and guess who was in his sub. The ‘Evil’
Hedgehogs. So he said, ‘I think I’ll eat this sub.’ So he opened his mouth and
put the whole sub in. Then the ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs screamed.
‘I do not
want to be eaten alive,’ said Rob.
‘Do not
worry, my young ones,’ said Gregory, ‘we
might make it out alive. I have a plan. Let’s climb on the Relaxed Elephant’s
tongue and tickle him.’
When then
Relaxed Elephant gave up, he spat them out and they said, ‘Ha, ha idiot, we
win.’
‘Ok,’ said
the Relaxed Elephant, ‘have it your way. Just go stand on that big white X on
the floor over there. Now, please will you promise to behave.’
Bob and Rob
and Gregory said, ‘Never, dumbo. Can’t you tell from our names that we don’t
behave.’
The Relaxed
Elephant sighed and said, ‘Ok, here’s the thing. I give you three chances and I
always ask nicely. This is your second chance. Please stop being evil or
otherwise you will regret it.’
The ‘Evil’
Hedgehogs said, ‘Never. This is our life. We are just really naughty guys.’
The Relaxed
Elephant sighed more, and said, ‘Guys, please. Two questions. One, are you all
nicely arranged on the white cross? And, two, will you please stop being evil?’
The
hedgehogs said, ‘Two answers. Yes, we are on the cross. It’s fine. Dumbo. And
two…. NEEEEEVAAAH!”
So the
Relaxed Elephant came over and stomped them flat as a pancake with his mighty
foot.
Educational
lesson: If the Relaxed Elephant ever gives you three chances, take one of them.
The End.
Hope you like reading it next post:in about ten mins :)
