Intro

The Cool Animals: Book I: Introducing the Cool Animals and some other people and some rules and telling the first story

Introduction

‘Sup.

We are the authors of this book. One of us is an old man who types all day; the other one is a cool Nine-year-old child.  (was  8 when wrote this!)

We are writing these books for fun, to make you laugh and so you can read a book without falling asleep. Also, we want money. This is a NOT an educational book. That means no water colours and only funny lessons.

These books are about the Cool Animals and some other peeps. We will tell you about them now.

The Cool Animals

The Relaxed Elephant

[Insert portrait of Relaxed Elephant wearing a white wig and tuxedo]

Type of creature:  Elephant, what do you think?

Powers:  Being relaxed; can stomp on people who annoy him if they don’t stop after he’s asked them three times (in a nice way)

Favourite things: beer, TV, flying his plane, playing ‘Aeroplane of Love’ (We will tell you what that is later)

Best friends: The Proud but Nice Dog and Mr D. Worm

The Proud but Nice Dog

[Insert picture of the PbND chasing a trophy]

Type of creature: Overgrown sausage dog

Powers: Winning competitions and helping people

Best friends: Himself and the Relaxed Elephant. (Mostly himself, by the way)

The Pretty Peacock

[Insert picture of the PP at the Miss Bird competition]

Type of creature: Peacock. She used to be a boy. We will tell all about that when we are ready.

Powers: Can distract any boy with just a wink of her eye

Best friend: Her makeup. She is a vain kind of bird.

The Greedy but Grateful Grasshopper

[Insert picture of GGG eating a cake. He looks shocked and has crumbs all over his mouth]

Type of creature: A greedy and grateful grasshopper. Also a nightclub singer called Linda. We also tell you about that later.

The Loud Snail

[Insert picture of LS winning a spelling bee at junior school]

Powers: Being very loud. Afraid of French restaurants. Good speller.

Best friend: His cousin, the Quiet Snail.

Wonder Worm aka Mr D Worm

[Insert picture of Wonder Worm with his cape]

Type of creature: This is complicated. He’s a worm but he’s also a very confused superhero and a novelist who writes serious books.

Powers: When he is Mr D Worm, writing serious helpful books with no pictures and no jokes. When he is Wonder Worm, trying to save people and things that don’t need saving.

Useful fact: Will change from Wonder Worm into Mr D Worm if you put him in a beer bottle for five days.

Best friends: His wife, Wanda Worm, and his nephew, Boy Worm.

Boy Worm

[Insert picture of Boy Worm wearing his propeller cap]

Type of creature: Also a worm

Powers: Saving his uncle and calling the Relaxed Elephant to help

Wanda Worm

[Insert picture of Wanda Worm getting married to Mr D Worm]

Type of creature: Also a worm. We like worms. Don’t judge us.

Powers: Normal worm lady, except when she is confused, when she’s a three year old who’s teething. Good at chewing.

Other creatures

Mr Bitey Yummyblood

[Insert picture of Mr BY driving the Cool Animals’ Cool Bus. He is wearing his red vampire cape and his cap that says ‘Best Driver’]

Type of creature: Vampire, but not scary

Powers: Flying, driving well. Very strong and very fast. Good singer. Enjoys blood.

Favourite movie: Twilight

Hooloo the Owl

[Insert soppy watercolour of wise-looking owl]

Type of creature: Educational animal

Powers: Annoying everyone with his love of nature and his wisdom. Actually an idiot.

The Roly-Poly Bird

[Insert soppy watercolour of dumb parrot]

Type of creature: Educational animal, a bit like a parrot.

Powers: Even dumber than Hooloo the Owl. Copies Hooloo a lot.

Rules

·        Sometimes we talk about beer. This is Cool Animal beer. Not real beer. Step away from the fridge. Leave your father’s beer alone.

·        We are not educational authors. Really. For example, we are not teaching you anything about ‘Aeroplane of Love.’ Don’t even think of trying that at home. Dumbo. (sorry!)

·        Don’t copy our animals. You can draw them and show them to your friends, though.

·        If you like you can buy two of our books. Or more. Really, as many as you want.

The First Story: The Relaxed Elephant and the ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs

One cool, fresh morning, just about 7.30 am, the Relaxed Elephant got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He was feeling good. He thought it was going to a be good day. He was planning to relax by the pool and catch rays. As he brushed his tusks and his teeth, he heard some squeaking and he knew exactly who it was: the ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs.

They were playing in his bath. One of them, Rob, was underwater. The second brother, Bob, was playing  with the taps, switching them on and off, on and off. The oldest brother, Gregory, was biting the soap with his sharp yellow teeth, making the Relaxed Elephant’s soap – which was the expensive Too Tough To Fight brand – dirty.

The Relaxed Elephant saw them. He said, ‘What are you doing in my bath?’

They said – all together – ‘We are exploring the great big sea of idiots. And that means you, pal.’

Then the Relaxed Elephant grabbed them by their necks and said, ‘GET OUT!’

They said, ‘Oh, fine…’ And away they went.

At 12 o’clock, the Relaxed Elephant was lying down near the pool. The ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs were underwater. When the Relaxed Elephant went in the pool, Rob swam over and stuck his sharp quills into the Relaxed Elephant’s bum. The Relaxed Elephant didn’t feel a thing and he grinned and he went under water to see the hedgehogs. He grabbed them by their quills and he threw them out of the garden.

At suppertime, the Relaxed Elephant sat down, and guess who was in his sub. The ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs. So he said, ‘I think I’ll eat this sub.’ So he opened his mouth and put the whole sub in. Then the ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs screamed.

‘I do not want to be eaten alive,’ said Rob.

‘Do not worry, my young ones,’ said  Gregory, ‘we might make it out alive. I have a plan. Let’s climb on the Relaxed Elephant’s tongue and tickle him.’

When then Relaxed Elephant gave up, he spat them out and they said, ‘Ha, ha idiot, we win.’

‘Ok,’ said the Relaxed Elephant, ‘have it your way. Just go stand on that big white X on the floor over there. Now, please will you promise to behave.’

Bob and Rob and Gregory said, ‘Never, dumbo. Can’t you tell from our names that we don’t behave.’

The Relaxed Elephant sighed and said, ‘Ok, here’s the thing. I give you three chances and I always ask nicely. This is your second chance. Please stop being evil or otherwise you will regret it.’

The ‘Evil’ Hedgehogs said, ‘Never. This is our life. We are just really naughty guys.’

The Relaxed Elephant sighed more, and said, ‘Guys, please. Two questions. One, are you all nicely arranged on the white cross? And, two, will you please stop being evil?’

The hedgehogs said, ‘Two answers. Yes, we are on the cross. It’s fine. Dumbo. And two…. NEEEEEVAAAH!”

So the Relaxed Elephant came over and stomped them flat as a pancake with his mighty foot.

Educational lesson: If the Relaxed Elephant ever gives you three chances, take one of them.

The End.

Hope you like reading it next post:in about ten mins :)